Bumbling with Balsamic

It is definitely not cool when I look at my life and feel like I’m in a bad sitcom.  One where a middle-aged, overweight woman and her long-suffering husband, after years of devotion to the Fast Food Gods, decide suddenly to become vegans.  Oh, my, the kooky shenanigans that would bring about! It’s the classic fish-out-of-water (or fish-out-of-the-deep-fryer) story.  We don’t know a lot about vegan eating, we were both raised on white bread and fried food. And now we have to eat grains, tons of veggies and fruit and NO dairy or meat and very little oil.  

Like many other  times in our lives, when faced with a decision, hubby and I chose the goofy route and hoped for the best.  We don’t prepare well, we just plunge in and hope no one is harmed in the process. 

So, we’re in the middle of this sitcom moment in my life.   The script calls for me to eat a healthy lunch.  There is next to no food in the house, because we have cleaned out all the processed, unhealthy food to make room for healthy foods like greens, veggies and fruit.  Except that we haven’t done so well on the grocery shopping and I’m facing a fridge containing only a small clump of kale and some Romaine lettuce.  And no salad dressing. I’m willing to eat a lot of veggies, but not dry Romaine.

After a dream sequence where I get in the car and drive to McDonald’s, stuffing my face full of salty fries and juicy hamburger, I snap back to reality and decide to eat a salad, come hell or high water.  I tossed some fresh strawberries (they had been hiding behind the kale) on top of the romaine, then hit the pantry looking for a salad dressing solution.

Unfortunately, I found my bottle of balsamic vinegar.  Now, I’ve had balsamic vinegar before.  At restaurants.  Even at my mom’s house.  For some reason, my brain did a disconnect and I decided to sprinkle the vinegar on my salad in lieu of dressing.  And I got a little heavy-handed with the sprinkling.  

I put the first forkful of salad in my mouth and immediately starting choking. Hm, something must have went down the wrong way. I grabbed my water glass and tried to drown whatever was choking me.  Then, slightly recovered, I took another bite.  Wow, that balsamic is STRONG, I thought.  Then I started choking again.  There was no drowning this damned thing.  I coughed until suddenly I felt my belly turning cartwheels.  Oh, no!  So I made a mad dash to the bathroom and that’s all you need to know about that.  Except that by time I was done in there, I needed a shower and I still hadn’t had any lunch.

It turns out that one does not simply eat balsamic vinegar.  One must add it to oil and other things to make a dressing.  Which I would have reasoned for myself if I hadn’t just taken a 5-year-sabbatical from cooking.  So, big laughs at the fat lady nearly choking to death on salad.  End scene.

Since the balsamic overdose didn’t kill me, I soldiered on, sent my hubby to the store for more groceries, and called my friend Chance for support.  He was quite bewildered by my using balsamic as a salad dressing.  Well, how could he understand?  He’s not a fish out of water.  But he encouraged me to keep working on the healthy eating and maybe lighten up a little about what I can and can not eat.  His wife even sent me a recipe for a nice quinoa salad I can have for lunches.  And it includes a great salad dressing.  

We’ve gotten much better at identifying what is edible and what is not, but it really was a process.  Some things called “vegan” haven’t thrilled our  tastebuds, others have just rocked.  Next time, I’m going to share with you the Minestrone Soup that has become our favorite vegan meal. Full of great vegetables and lots of flavor. Now I’m off to make myself a nice salad.  (Add laugh track here.)